Who I am

I'm so excited that not only have you taken the time to stop by my little slice of the web but you've also clicked around enough to find yourself here.
I hope you are comfortable, feeling well-fed and relaxed as I tell you a little about me and how this blog came to be... if not, I'll still be here after you've stepped off to get some sustenance.

...

Better? Good, then let's begin!

 

Hello, my name is Erika and I am a registered dietitian nutritionist (RDN).

Yep, you heard that right, I have a degree in dietetics and health sciences/nutrition (2, actually) and yet am sitting here writing predominantly about weight loss struggles. (definition, irony -a state of affairs that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result)  

To say that I have been overweight almost my entire life is no exaggeration. I can distinctly remember crying over crushed feelings at the tender age of 5 or 6 after hearing my dad refer to me as being "a little chunky". He didn't seem to get why this was so upsetting to me as his response to my tears was something along the lines of "but it's true, baby, you are a little chunky". Side note - I have absolutely no doubt that he never meant this in a hurtful manner, and I assure you, I've never felt a lack of love from either of my parents. But this painful moment was forever seared into my psyche and has since that time colored my thoughts on how I feel that others see me. Looking back now, more than anything, my heart hurts for a younger self that was so keenly aware of another's perception of her physical weight. Shouldn't I have been blissfully unaware of body image at such tender years?

Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of a series of memories related to my weight and self-image that I've collected and carry to this day. Memories of things like starting my first diet at the age of 9, getting my first bra in the third grade (I was mortified), or weighing over a hundred pounds as a sixth grader. I think of all the cute sandals I wanted that never fit, the ever progressively larger pairs of jeans, and how I assured my mom that the uncomfortably tight ones were good because I didn't want to have to get a bigger size.

Having to wear a different dress than planned because on Easter morning the one I had looked so forward to wearing didn't fit.

Does the spacing before and after and the bolded and italicized font of that sentence convey how very bitterly that one stung!? Not only did I have to choose a different dress, I had to explain that I had gained so much weight in the month or so since I had gotten it that I was literally straining the seams of the lining. Or that boy in middle school who teased me on an almost daily basis about my size and compared me to a stack of boxes. Or perhaps what stands out as the most humiliating of all for it's having been witnessed by so many - that time I was with the church youth group and the ride attendant for one of the roller coasters at the amusement park we were visiting was unable to close the safety bar over my girth enough for the locking mechanism to engage. Of having to get out of the car and walk past every other rider who I'm sure knew exactly what the hold up was. I don't think I actually cried that day but the shame of that experience was a literal heat chasing over my skin and a lead weight in my chest. Some of these things I hadn't given much thought to in years, mostly because I've tried to move past them the best I can, but as I'm sitting here writing, they come back to me, in shockingly clear detail, at the least bit of prodding.

I recently gathered pictures of myself throughout the years and am working on putting together a visual timeline of my progression up to my highest (known) weight on the scale - 297.8# sometime around 2004-2005, I think- and down to my current (lowest that I've ever been as a fully grown human) weight of 145.4# (2/1/18).

Total weight lost as of this moment... 152.4#

I am legitimately less than half the mass of the body I once inhabited.

2.1.18 - 145.4#

The journey hasn't been easy and frankly... isn't even over yet. But so many of the important things I've learned along the way have very little to do with the actual weight or food or exercise, though they aren't to be dismissed. No, the most important things were far harder in a lot of ways. I had to learn who I really was, what I thought about so many different things and why, and I absolutely, unequivocally had to learn above all to be comfortable in my own skin no matter how much or how little padding lived beneath it. I had to learn it. I'm still learning it. I will never be able to stop learning it. Because I'm changing. Every day and with every person I meet and through every conversation I engage in, and in response to every situation that arises in my life.

 
And that's a good thing. And the reason I had to start blogging again. Because now I have an unabating need to examine each facet of me and determine which are good and to be encouraged and which are less than desired and to be resculpted. I learned to be at home in my own head, alone and without the constant distractions of TV or tablets 0r phones or MP3 players that pervade our lives and kept, at least me, from having enough stillness in my head to hear that inner voice.

So who am I right now?
 

-I am a woman of faith and conviction of beliefs 

-I am a woman who strives to hold herself accountable and accept, with grace and dignity, any consequence of her actions

-I am a woman who loves words (the bigger, the better) and is confident in her ability to understand and adeptly craft the English language

 -I am a woman with the spiritual gift of exhortation
-I am a talker
-I am a constant thinker, and re-thinker, and over-thinker
-I am a woman with type 2 diabetes
-I am a woman who has had bariatric surgery (a vertical sleeve gastrectomy on 2.19.15)
-I am a woman recently diagnosed with ADD
-I am a woman who has to, more frequently than she would like, battle a judgmental attitude
-I am a woman who treats people with kindness
-I am a musician
-I am an issue contemplator seeking wisdom and understanding
-I am a woman who strives to live without regret for "might have beens"
-I am a perpetual work in progress
-I am a woman who loves to learn about all kinds of things
-I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and aunt
-I am a confidante
-I am a friend
-I am a pragmatic Pollyanna
-I am a woman who will never have the freedom to eat as she pleases without repercussion
-I am a nurturer of compassion
-I am a singer
-I am a woman with a keen sense of humor and a strong appreciation for wit
-I am a woman who has had unhealthy relationships with food for too many years
-I am hopeful
-I am a woman who tries to both maintain and perpetuate a positive outlook 
-I am a woman who celebrates the little victories
-I am intelligent
-I am a woman who values truth in all things, even when painful
-I am an open book in most every aspect of my life
-I am a woman of strong opinions
-I am imperfect
-I am a woman with maternal instincts but no children
-I am a good listener
-I am introspective
-I am a night owl
-I am a scientist
-I am an artist
-I am a woman who knows her own mind and deserves the acknowledgment of her capability in applying reason and logic to form an opinion no more lacking in validity than any other
-I am a woman who has gained more confidence than she ever imagined but will never be completely without insecurities
-I am a woman working to resolve inconsistencies in my thoughts and actions as they are identified

And I am so much more than these and constantly becoming even more...

So now you know a drop in the bucket that is Erika.

Not surprisingly (because these writings are in large part self-therapy), I had a revelation during the composition of this page. I noticed how much longer and how much more it took to write about my weight before I ever got to this list of self-identified traits. Then I considered the relative ease with which I was able to compile them.
And I thought... how fitting.
How fitting that over half this introduction of myself is taken up by one trait in a list of over 30 more. Because it is such a good illustration of the majority of my life. I have laid claim to most of these characteristics for most of my life and yet it has almost always been the weight that held precedence. It has been a distraction. A distraction of such epic proportion that it kept me from truly living a life of fullness.

But no longer, and thankfully not for the last few years. This blog is the reflection of that on-going journey... to be wholly well and healthy in every aspect of a full and beautifully real life.